The Not-Quite-So-Brave
by Balin Lord of Moria
Summary: Parody of the three-headed knight scene in Holy Grail. The cowardly Nute Gunray has a lot in common with brave, brave Sir Robin, wouldn't you agree?


**Disclaimer**: I do not own Star Wars or _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_. Lucas and Disney own Star Wars, and the six Python comedians own Monty Python.

* * *

_**The Not-Quite-So-Brave**_

* * *

Viceroy Nute Gunray flew through Separatist space in his _Sheathipede_-class shuttle, preparing to make a risky stop on Republic-controlled Christophsis, accompanied by his favorite Neimoidian minstrels, who sang his praises as the brave commander-in-chief of the Separatist Council and the Trade Federation.

While three young Neimoidians played catchy music on their flutes and oboes, a vocalist with a tambourine sang the following song:

"Bravely bold, Nute Gunray, went forth from Neimoidia. He was not afraid to die, oh, brave Nute Gunray. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Nute Gunray!"

Suddenly, Gunray noticed that they had just reached Christophsis, and an LED sign pointed in two directions. One pointed back the way they came and said, "NEIMOIDIA." The other pointed to a base on the planet's surface and said, "CERTAIN DEATH FOR SEPARATISTS." Gunray looked nervous.

The minstrels continued their song.

"He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken, to have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Nute Gunray!"

They passed another sign which said "BEWARE!" Gunray swallowed. The crew landed the shuttle.

"His head smashed in, and his heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned out, and his penis-"

Gunray interrupted him. "That's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads. Looks like there's dirty work afoot."

* * *

They got out of the ship with their battle droid bodyguards, just in time to see some clone troopers carrying off the remains of some other battle droids.

Next, they saw three dead Separatist commanders, who looked like they had been skewered all-in-a-row by a very big lightsaber. One was a Muun, the second, a Skakoan, and the third, a Neimoidian like them.

Gunray clasped his hands together in nervous anticipation. His minstrels looked bored. The droids were silent for once.

Then, it happened.

"HALT! WHO GOES THERE?" shouted a large Jedi man standing in front of them. He had three heads. The right-hand head looked and sounded like Anakin Skywalker, while the left-hand one looked like Obi-Wan Kenobi. As for the head in the middle, it looked like Yoda. All three heads spoke at once.

"He is brave Nute Gunray, brave Nute Gunray, who-" sang the lead minstrel.

"Shut up!" Gunray ordered him. Then he said to the Jedi, nervously, "Um, nothing really, my Jedi friend. I was just, um, just passing through."

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" the three-headed Jedi asked.

"To fight, and-" the minstrel started to sing again.

"SHUT UP!" Gunray complained to him again. "Uh, whoo, uh, nothing really, I just want to... just to... pass through, good Jedi Knight."

"I AM AFRAID NOT!" the heads said.

"Ah..." Gunray said helplessly. "Well actually, I uh, I am the viceroy of the Trade Federation."

"YOU ARE THE VICEROY OF THE TRADE FEDERATION?" the heads asked him together.

There was a brief pause. "I am." Gunray blinked in disbelief at what happened next. His minstrels and droid bodyguards were dumbfounded, too.

"In that case, I'd like to kill him," said the Anakin head.

"Shall I?" asked the Yoda head.

"No, I don't think so," said the Obi-Wan head.

"What do I think, you wonder not?" the Yoda head said.

"I say kill him. Let's be nice to him," said Obi-Wan.

"Oh, shut up," said Anakin.

"Perhaps-" said Yoda.

"And you!" Obi-Wan exclaimed.

"Oh, quick, get the lightsaber out!" said Anakin, "I want to cut his head off!"

"Oh, cut your own head off!" snapped Obi-Wan.

"Yes, do us all a favor, will you not?" Yoda said irritably.

"What? You're yapping on in backward speech all the time!" Obi-Wan blanched.

"Lucky, you are, next to him, you are not," the Yoda head said to the Obi-Wan head while gesturing to the Anakin head.

"What do you mean?" demanded Anakin.

"Snore, you do," said Yoda loudly.

"Oh, I don't," retorted Anakin's head, "Anyway, your long, pointed ears are always flapping in our faces, _and_ you've got bad breath."

"Well, only because brush my teeth, you do not," Yoda's head retorted back.

"Oh, stop bickering and let's go have tea," interjected Obi-Wan's head.

"Oh my, all right, all right," said Anakin impatiently, "We'll kill him first, and then have tea and biscuits."

"Yes," said the Yoda head.

"Oh, not biscuits," said the Obi-Wan head.

"Oh, all right, not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway!" urged the Anakin head.

"Right!" Obi-Wan and Yoda agreed.

Then the heads finally looked forward again. Something was wrong with this picture. They looked around.

Gunray and his accomplices were running away.

"Buggered off, he has," said Yoda.

"So he has, he's scarpered." said Obi-Wan.

* * *

"Brave Nute Gunray ran away," sang the lead minstrel.

"No!" protested a mortified Gunray.

"Bravely ran away, away," the minstrel continued.

"I didn't!" Gunray whimpered.

"When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled-"

"No!"

As they left, they passed by one more LED sign. This one read: "PEOPLE ONLY."

"Yes, brave Nute Gunray turned about-"

"I didn't!"

"And gallantly he chickened out, bravely taking to his feet-"

"I never did!"

"He beat a very brave retreat-"

"All lies!"

"Bravest of the brave, Nute Gunray!"

"I never!"


End file.
